Before I continue to write, I feel I must make something clear. I am a big gay man and by “Big” I mean, literally. 

This past weekend, one of my oldest and arguabley bestest friend came to Las Vegas to participate in “Bigger Vegas,” and annual Vegas convergence of a social website called “Bigger City” for big gay dudes (chubs) and the other gay dudes who love them (chasers). I spent most of the weekend with him and his partner and their friends at this event.  It was fun to hang out with my friend and his friends but ultimately bizarre to participate in something of the sort.

First and foremost, I’m not much of a group joiner.  I enjoy “communities” but not “groups”, especially groups of this nature where the intention is to meet people because, well, by meet we all know it means hook up.  I did, however, enjoy playing the “who’s that girl” role as nobody actually knew who I was. I LOOOVVEEE playing the mysterious bit.

Secondly, I refuse to identify myself through anything that is ultimately physical as if my physical state denotes anything about my personality.  Yes, I’m big, but I don’t want go about considering myself a chub as if my life revolves around being big.  I mean, I have issues identifying as Gay, not because I’m ashamed but because I don’t feel it really says anything about me. 

While at this place, I heard several times that people go here so that they “feel comfortable” being around people and not feel self-conscious about their body etc.  I applaud that, I do, but I personally have never let my body dictate my confidence. I mean, I’ve spent the past ten years hanging around skinny jeaned hipsters, for crying out loud! I guess, at least on that level, I don’t relate. I go where I wanna go simply because I enjoy it, not because who’s there and what they look like.  Admittedly, the gay male community does not embrace heaviness as a norm but that’s never stopped me from going anywhere and doing anything within it. 

Thirdly, a lot of what I saw was a farce and far more unhealthy than feeling like a whale amidst an ocean of tuna! (weird analogy, I know, but you get it).  So, from sheer observation, the “Chub/chaser” combo is usually a big guy and a thin guy.  At first, the romantic in you wants to be all “Awwww, see, you can still find hot young skinny things to love you even if you’re big.” Which, of course, is still frought with peril because it reveals that, despite the whole “we love ourselves and each other the way we are,” bit we still hold up the buff go-go dancing gay ideal. 

Along with this, however, a disturbing theme seemed to purvey these relationships. The larger guy was always disproportionatly successful to the thinner guy.  You know, you don’t want to be that person that is too cynical to enjoy a big boy get his pretty boy fairy tale but, when every relationship of the sort seemed to suspiciously maintain a similar trend, it’s hard not to. 

Lastly, the pressure to BE with somebody was not to my taste.  The first questions out of anyone’s mouth is, are you single? Do you have a boyfriend, why not, etc…If you are single then, well, you’re expected to be nothing if not a troll the whole time your there and bone anything that comes near.  If you’re with someone, well, then, you can hang out with your partner lording it over everyone while, simultaneously, trolling the whole time you’re there. 

For the record, I don’t NEED to be with anyone and, frankly, I doubt I would find someone in a scene like that.  Sure, for a few skanky times, that place is fine but, for the real thing? I don’t think so. 

Aaaaand, finally, let it be said that having pride in yourself is not an excuse to condone an unhealthy lifestyle. Yes, being big does not automatically preclude being unhealthy but, let’s be frank, that doesn’t count being obese and, let me tell you, there were some obese individuals there. 

Oh, and one last thing, I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE being referred to as “GIRRLLLL”.  Yes, I am gay, but I am not a woman nor do strive to live up to some sort of feminizing myth about gay men.